I felt my life with both my hands

"... to see if it was there 

I held my spirit to the Glass,

To prove it possibler..."

- Emily Dickinson

How long can you live with the idea of being loved, or having a loved one? What does it mean to love someone? Do expectations define love or is it mere selfishness on your part to assert your desires on the other.  Every relationship is defined with a certain kind of power equation. Power of one over another – powerlessness of the other to assert his/her will. Entrapped in this web of deviated power equations, we try to seek meaning for ourselves. Can love be forever? Yes, if you’ve impaired memory or you derive a sadistic pleasure from self-derision. It can only be romanticized if after some time you look back and remember only the good moments you were a part of. But life isn’t like that nor is any relationship that one forms during his/her lifetime. We live in binaries – be it of pain or pleasure; love or indifference; - and somewhere along the way, we learn to adapt ourselves in the overlapping median between these binaries. Seeking pleasure in pain is one such anomaly that arises due to the unequal shift.

Why is going to either of the extreme ends not recommendable? Gradual change allows one to adapt, but a sudden jolt needs courage. For starters, one would find oneself alone. Is it the misery of being alone, or just an illusion to keep oneself in a safe zone? Like all such moments, this one will pass too but one needs to remember moments like these because they irk you with their unquestionable importance. Maybe a change now could make things better or maybe it will go downhill after that. But how would one know, if one never tries.

Quelqu’un M’a Dit

^{maybe we won’t talk}

^{maybe the words won’t come}

^{out right}

^{out true;}

^{so, let it be.}
but,

^{not always}

^{you've to be true}

^{let’s believe in those lies}

^{let’s live them some more}

^{I’ve been doing it for quite some time}

^{you’ll get used to it too.}

and she said, 'tujhe JNU ho gaya hai yaar'
tonight I know, what she meant.


No more looking for a start.

wreck of the day

writing after a long time... I will take my pauses, I will not use punctuation marks correctly, I will try to summarize last seventy days  of my life in two paras.. how ironic would that be.


So I'm sitting on a rock in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out why am I here in the first place. Maybe I know the answer, maybe not. Maybe I just don't want answers anymore, maybe I'm finding this confusion, this chaos intoxicating.. getting addicted to it day by day. It just doesn't stop; everyday is throwing its  newness on me. For those who talk about routine and monotonous life should live mine for some days. Nah it's not exciting at all, it's just one ol' life.. but then what was the point I was trying to make... :/


One life full of adjectives. Take your pick, I'm sure any and every will find a place in there, in my oh so eventful life. I can not feel the days passing by, all I do know is seasons have come and gone .. and left this unforgettable imprint on my mind... Am I even sure that I won't forget? But it's hard not to, I guess therein lies the tragedy. 


Why am I finding it so difficult... because it wasn't the part of the plan? Funny thing 'bout that, I never did plan. I just took it for granted and see where it lead to. Well start planning Pri otherwise you will end up sitting on this rock for a long time... and it's cold & hard like your life right now.

Man, Jagjit Singh can really make you sad, like uber fricking sad, before you know it heaviness would settle in and you would be grappling with the void in your life. So moral of the rant: Don't listen to him while siting alone on a damn rock :|

She & Him

Last week of July 2008, I'm guessing that's when the whole saga began.. they hated each other's guts.. Life would've been perfect without this one nuisance in their lives, superficially it seemed so but it was in a way relief for them too.. atleast there was someone on whom they could vent their frustration without feeling guilty about it. It was one such humid morning when she entered the room and intentionally took the seat which he had mentally claimed to be his own. And well it happened, what always happens you know.. a good ol' argument, a treat for rest of the class who didn't like either of the two snobs.  

'Bitch' , he walked away from the desk sayin' it aloud in his head.. he dare not say it in front of this crazy lunatic.. weather was gloomy but not gloomier than the thought of tolerating her presence for the next 3 years...

Honestly, I did imagine you'd be cursing me, but seriously just a bitch? That was just too nice of you :P Coming back to present, I think it's hard to imagine my day without checking on you.. College was hard man, if it weren't for you telling me every now and then how good things will happen in life, well they didn't :|  and it seemed it would never then, but I found someone I could open my heart to .. who wuld hug me and make me cry even if I try not to!.. who would look into my eyes and without sayin' a word would tell me 'we're really screwed this time man'.. who stood by me when everyone else was too chicken out to be!.. who knew you had so much strength but you did! And I love you for every bullshit you took from me, for every crazy mood swing of mine .. How unlike everyone else you actually did know when I was on my period and cranky!
I don't know where we are going from here, for sure you won't be able to see my whiny face every morning but just for the record, I am gonna be a kickass Maid of Honor at your wedding, and very soon we'll be taking our trip to New York, during Christmas time singing this :

" You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last... " 
- The Pogues

My pseudo-Punjabi, pseudo-Bong sweetheart you'll always be a part of my life. See you soon!

tempora mutantur et nos mutamur in illis

She was silent. Looking at him, waiting for him to see, to understand, to pause and just think for a moment, it wasn’t her dream after all. They had that blood connection between them, how hard could it be. He wasn’t always there for her when she needed him the most. Living in his own world, by his own rules, principles and who knows what else. But he had successfully built this small domain over which he ruled. Sure he loved her in a weird way she didn’t understand but she was supposed to.. you know like you’re taught since you’re a child, sky is blue but in the city she was raised in, sky was seldom blue. Sky was washed up grey but everybody said it was blue, and he loved her too.

So, next week it is.

Lost in Translation

Mind functions in such mysterious ways, even mine who would’ve thought :/ ... so at the end of a conversation, I was left with these three words, repeated them just to remind myself of something incomplete. Though it didn’t took me much time before I plunged into the deep throes of the Deadmines and the thought almost escaped my mind.

The only thing that does stop me from gaming these days is the fear of having weak eyesight.. well it doesn’t really stops me but I’ve come to a realization that I might be addicted to it, in a bad sort of way.. which is funny because the things usually people get addicted to, I’m immune to them. So starting next month, I’d try to use my super will power to resist myself from buying another subscription.

When I switched off my pc, I thought I’d be sleeping early.. 3:30 AM is still early for me, at least its dark outside then. But at that moment, my mind delivered the unread message to my conscious state and I realized that its been years since I had this movie and I just didn’t watch  it.

After Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I think this is one of the most incredible romantic movie I’ve seen and thats sayin' something. You know why it’s great? Because it’s Real.
it portrays the way relationships are, the way an individual is.. with all the confusions and inanities of life.. that vaccum in which we live and the same empty space we try to fill in all the frickin’ time but fail to.. but two people connect because one is as hollow as the other,  and fragility of that connection is what makes it beautiful in the first place.

I hate Titanic, I just had to say it.. not because I don’t believe in love but  that illusion that it creates of love that I really abhor. What if Jack had survived, it wouldn’t have been great after all .. they would’ve split up any which way or compromised until they reach a point of indifference. But that’s why most of the people are obsessed with this movie – an overwhelming tale of a Romance that couldn’t be.

It’s just hard for us to accept that emptiness in our lives, so we fill it with words and try to color them with meanings that will help us to survive.

" The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

If you haven’t seen this movie and are too bored of your own life to read this whining journal, spare ninety minutes for this one.. it’ll be worth your time.

cyanide and happiness

FTW !

Playing WoW on laptop sucks, what sucks even more is waiting 10Gb to download on your desktop. I'm still discovering what is better- being a human warlock or an elven druid..

I've a feeling my eyesight has got far worse than it was before..  my first sign was when I banged my head on a glass door and no I wasn't drunk or high.. it might have been accidental the first time, but by the third I knew I couldn't see the glass or the door - and funny thing, all three times I was with the same friend, who laughed his ass off two times but on the third, he was shocked as :P


Home Alone for two weeks, I would've been ecstatic about it but boy what a time to catch the frickin Viral T_T I've got a half-glass, no it's neither empty nor full - it's just plain ol' half glass. I've to start preparing for Jamia entrance and DU entrance but I think I'd skip that as I've no inclination to study. I will read a lot but I'll not study >.<

I've also decided to watch a movie a day, well for atleast a week - that way I won't spend all day gaming :/

Yesterday I saw Volver(2006) - that's directed by Pedro Almodóvar.. The only other Spanish movie I've seen and enjoyed watching it was Pan's Labyrinth .. Anyways coming back to the movie, I think even though it's plot was weak, the major strength of the movie comes from the characters itself. Penelope Cruz  is the sole force of this movie and Blanca Potillo though I still doubt she's a woman, is an incredible actress.  .

At many times I felt it was an awkward screenplay as the incest angle did seem a bit forced. Pain was portrayed in a very subtle way - that is something I loved - be it in Cruz's song or her daughter's long breaths. But the characters seems at ease with each other and that made this movie an good watch (: I'll watch more movies by this director and know his style. maybe the awkward screenplay was intentionally meant to be that way.