the end is the beginning is the end

):

" na jaane kyun.. hota hai ye zindagi ke saath
achanak ye mann
kisi ke jaane ke baad, kare phir usiki yaad
chhoti choti si baat.. na jaane kyun."

 

This sucks.

Paper 7.. better than all the exams I've given this month, if only I would have completed the last question, it would have been cherry on the cake. Now I am hungry, it's been ages.. the last time .. blah, can't even remember that.

5 days - 2 more exams 

The only sad part is, everyone I was looking forward to spend time with is leaving.. this city sucks big time. 

Strangers - Friends - Best Friends - Strangers

I've a feeling I'm about to witness it all over again. 

I'm afraid I might be a participant in it.

Sixpence None The Richer

" :* -_-"

Two days before my next exam. It just doesn’t get out of my head.. not that it is supposed to :/  but you know it’s like being stalked by a thought. 

 For instance, I decide to watch an episode of Seinfeld, I am laughing, having a good time and there it strikes back again, that tinge of guilt making its presence felt.. nothing Kramer can do will make me return to my earlier self.  Wicked exams, seriously.

While reading Mrs. Dalloway a thought came to my mind, there was this one sentence common in our Farewell speech, if you remember

“ I know I’ve not been a good student...”

(as if they didn’t know that already :/)

But it felt nice, you know, like an admission to our guilt... I know, we were doing it more for ourselves then them. In that confession, we were seeking our own catharsis..  for lack of a better word..  oh it did happen alright.. the tears, I remember it all.. and why I remembered it, I still don’t know. 

What I do know is I abhor Mario, either of the two reasons is plausible

1. it is a stupid game 
2. it makes me feel stupid

It’s like everyone can make that little freak jump over stupid colliding bricks except me, and those flying fucking tortoises, what’s the deal with that?

I stopped playing WoW a month before these exams so that I could concentrate on something more important and look at the sorry state of me, playing Mario two days before my exam, ah for shame!

I’m going to regret it very soon, like within a week soon, but I’m not gonna stop it because that freak someday will take me to his taller- than-him freak princess. Either that will happen or June 1^st will come and I’ll buy me a month subscription for WoW and become an Elf Druid again duelling with warlords.

Oh I know right, the band’s name is so epic! (: 

sigur rós

and some rain = ♥ (:

I miss Facebook during days like these.. I'm pretty sure there would have been atleast 20 status updates welcoming the rain at this time of the year.. Because I can't do that anymore, I would add my two cents on it here.

It's hard not to love rain you know, unless you're living in Mumbai :/ The obvious reasons include the murky smell that makes rain so delicious and watching raindrops slide through your windowpane, each competing with the other, some stopping midway, some not even trying. But the best part is those random memories that comes to your mind.

It's like being the part of both - the timeless and the temporal - and before you know it, Papa Roach's Last Resort will make it all go.. just like that. In last few years, I've changed quite a number of ringtones but I end up with this one, almost all the time. I think the few days I did attend college was because of it.

It's still raining.. I know it's not gonna last forever but boy do I cherish it! (:

Glósóli 

 

Soy Un Perdedor

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

This is the only song by Beck that I like.. dude is definitely an epic loser. 

A week gone, with it my chances of getting into JNU are also gone. Its a funny thing though..when I used to sit for my PMT entrance exam even though I used to fuck it up real bad, I always had this hope inside me that maybe by sheer luck/chance something will happen and save my ass. Even when I gave the AIIMS entrance with no prep at all, I told myself to wait for the result.. 

But the moment I finished my first JNU entrance paper and came outside the godforsaken examination centre I had a smile on my face. I don't even have to bother myself to check the result. It was so obvious, inside my head. 

So I screwed the paper which was supposedly my subject.. but that wasn't the end of the story.. with bubbling enthusiasm I had filled another option because everyone else was doing it, without having any idea about the course details, and a day later I had to pay the price. I'm so glad I didn't apply for three :|

For my second entrance, even before I entered the  hall, I had made up my mind to leave it within an hour and half.. but in my life, expected never happens, that's something I'm getting sure of with each passing day. I'm sure I am not gonna make the list with this paper too .. kinda spent half my time arguing about the awesomeness of 127 Hours while at the same time highlighting the suckiness of the Slumdog Millionaire, the most over-rated movie of all time after Titanic.

Even though these two exams sucked big time, they totally diverted my mind from my first disaster exam.. A week more and some days more and then the wait will be over (: Top 4 on my list?

the last one is World of Warcraft.. few days later I'm gonna be kicking some Orc ass..

P.S. I'm the Epic Loser and so proud of it :P

 

the good ol' days

few weeks left before those who matter will be going back home.. it's adding to my blues I guess :/ .. I won't be looking forward to the second week of July anymore.. we'll meet to go to our separate ways.. and when we will meet again, it won't be the same.. that heavy feeling you get, when you think about those moment when life was literally awefuckinsome .. yeah, that's what I'm feeling now..

there are so many memories flooding my tiny lil head right now.. singing Sunrise on our way to college in our fucked up voice.. but it still made the morning beautiful.. now that I think of it, I'd rather give you a call  right now.

Summer Blues

it's so much easier to fight the world when you know that the people whom you care about are with you on the holy mission.. more then disappointed, I'm grieved to see the turn of events.. it takes a lot you know, effort and time and sometimes more then that, to build it.. and it literally took 2 minutes to break it all down.. if it wasn't enough , the instructions were repeated for my benefit.
tired is the word.. and what a time..

" And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world "

Written by Roland Orzabal

Mad World, indeed.


some weed pleej, kthxbai.

what doesn't kill you

... makes you bitter :/  

 

8:00 am - Dad dropped me at college..met Sid.. discussed our JNU centre and how lucky I'm comparatively.. saw a tree in full bloom and heard a nightingale sing.. searched for her, couldn't find so got back with last minute prep..

8:45 am - Got to know will be giving the exam at the damn library (it's a universal truth we've got an ass for a principal) - first disappointment of the day

9:00 am - Exam doesn't start, professors are too busy to invigilate, I guess...

9:15 am - After a long wait, got my answer sheet, had a query regarding the paper code.. so I ask the unknown moron who handed out the sheets if he had any clue.. but his blank expression gave his little secret away.. He was as dumb as he looked and I really, really mean to be offensive. I asked him if he could confirm it with another professor and somehow it hurt his male-ego?

For half an hour this fucking moron keeps repeating the same thing - I'M THE PROFESSOR, while my answer sheet is in his hands..

9:45 am -

Him: I'm the professor, do as I say.

Me: Psycho, Bastard.

It's quite unusual for me to say those two words together.. I swear a lot but Bastard was never a part of my dictionary.. I did surprise myself but it was definitely too less of an abuse for too much of a moron.

10:00 am -

Downstairs back to main library I start with my paper while two lady professors gossip next to me.. The person who doesn't finishes a paper in 3 hours time, does it today in 1 hour 55 minutes, after which I contemplate on the absurdity of human behaviour, luck and life.

I feel sorry for the examiner who will bear the burden to check the crap I've written. Honestly, with the bottom of my heart, I really feel that.

I am writing this post to remind myself that today I felt the regret, enormous regret for the decision I made.. not to migrate from this hell of a college when I had the chance to.. Never listen to your heart, be selfish - lesson for life.. learnt today.

13/05/2011

5:17 am - Walking on the deserted road with wind for my companion, I felt at ease again.. this world is full of morons someday or another, you'll bump into one and they'll create hell for you.. but it won't last long and if you do survive, you'll be there to see the new day, blowin' in the wind as Bob says..

3 weeks - 5 exams :/

See You Tomorrow

few hours from now I'll be sitting for the first exam.. meeting familiar faces.. some nervous, some too engrossed in the last minute prep and some would be wishing that two poets which they have complacently left out shouldn't come in the exam... or if they do, the alternate choice is something they've a clue about.. all these some's equals me, ofcourse.

aim for today: finish your damn paper. I've never understood why my first question takes 45 mins to answer but in the last 45 mins I race against time to answer 3 questions :/

I'd take Harold Bloom for my muse today.. Kansas is stuck in my head right now and for all right reasons.

for you and me

I will survive.

Return to Innocence

" To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour. "
William Blake

it is beyond sublime.. to have a vision like this.

When put to music, it sounds like Enigma...

" Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence "

when the dream dies

... how does it feel before you know you can't anymore.. either dream or feel again.. well the smarter ones go ahead in search of a new dream that will fill up the void, which makes its presence feel every moment of their lives.. the sentimentalists, not the kind Pamuk defines ofcourse but the ones in the pure sense of the word, they write a dejection ode.. read Coleridge, obviously.

" I see them all so excellently fair
I see not feel, how beautiful they are "

now I've started to get that weird feeling when every alternate moment the same thought strikes your chaotic head -- I haven't studied anything :|
3 weeks - 6 exams = FML. srsly.

well I'm pretty sure Coleridge would've joined Nelly in this song had he been alive

I want to
Pull away when the dream dies
Pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why
Written by Nelly Furtado

as for me, I'm hoping all good things come to an end real soon.

Quatro

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods
There is a rapture on the lonely shore
There is society,where none intrudes
By the deep Sea and music in its roar
I love not Man the less, but Nature more...
- the only Byron

Read Childe Harold's Pilgrimage
read it again
made me

happy

reminded me of
hard sun
into
the wild

four days
to go

before

it all changes...

the reveries of summer

sometimes music actually defines the moment for you.. this one says it all.. yesterday, you, me, us, together and it was enough.. today is as uncertain as tomorrow and I honestly, don't care. I had yesterday (: a beautiful, pristine day when we were together.

Prima Donnas

saw Groundhog Day a while back, I know what a time right? But, it was so worth it.. I wasn't studying anyway :/


let's pause and think for a moment.. how would it be to live the same day for eternity.. on the positive side, you can get away with anything.. you're the demigod .. but wait, something's missing.. oh yeah, the ending.. the constant need for the close.. to just end somewhere, at some point but.. still running away from that reality.


I'm not, I am actually looking forward to it.. I just hope it's not abrupt like in the middle of something.. now that I've said it, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be cut off mid-way.


There's always that one line that makes you like the movie even more because it gets to your head and it starts out an interior monologue session with your mind... for me that was when Phil says ...

I killed myself so many times I don't even exist anymore.

Will start *seriously* :| studying from 2 am sharp... and I almost forgot, Chasing Cars is so much fun with Snow Patrol (:

" If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you just lie with me
And just forget the world? "
Written by Gary Lightbody

Remind me to add this to my bucket list: Lie on the road at night (make sure there's no traffic :|)

where the words lie

crimson yellow behind the veil
piercing gaze through the clouds
tiny whispers subdued

by the anguished shrieks

and the time is 3 am
it's quiet now.


they sensed her presence
the cunning intruder
come upon to take
what belonged to them

spread some lies

before the return to oblivion
of whose?
and who will?


unanswered, it will remain,
together they will strike again,

but, not today.

this moment is passing by
and lo! it's gone...

Wise Up

by Aimee Mann... it came to my mind while I was reading this

"Passions when gratified merely becomes appetites once the object of desire is gained... "
Mary Wollstonecraft

I couldn't agree more with this lady's thoughts. Yes, I can go ahead and talk about what a revolutionary feminist she was but I would rather save it for my exams...

Magnolia - the flower, the movie... both are amazing but for the first time when I heard the song I so wish I had heard it before so I could lip sync with the characters.. it's a song of realization before you break down.. before you take that step .. before you pause. and after it stops playing, what's left? the shattered pride, the broken walls, untainted lies and the love, metamorphosed.

" It's not what you thought
When you first began it
You got what you want
Now you can hardly stand it though
By now you know
it's not going to stop
'til you wise up "
Written by Aimee Mann

a week before exam ... time for me to wise up :/

a song a day

...starting today, I'll post my song of the day here, hence the title.

oh and I did start reading but there's still to a large degree incoherence between the words I read , with what my mind assumes. I understand subjectivity is natural when it comes to Art but I don't think it will be of much accord when I'll be sitting for the exams.

Daniel Defoe is definitely not my cup of tea, not gonna read Robinson Crusoe in this lifetime at least.

Coming back to the song, Songbird by Oasis

" A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whisper in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night "

written by: Liam Gallagher

... reminded me of John Keats & Ode to a Nightingale.

Mea Culpa

it sums up my preparation for the exams ... 10 days to go and here I am again ranting about it. I have this magical power to find a diversion right before the exam starts.. today's not yesterday so I'm gonna make a change, hopefully..

John Masefield...read his poetry for the first time, today and then there was the feeling that it wasn't the first time..

" It's a warm wind, the west wind, full of bird's cries
I never hear the west wind, but the tears are in my eyes.
For it comes from the west land, the old brown hills
And April's in the West Wind , and daffodils. "

To think of it, a month later from now, I would be Lynyrd Skynyrd's song. (: If only skipping was easy :/