Quelqu’un M’a Dit

^{maybe we won’t talk}

^{maybe the words won’t come}

^{out right}

^{out true;}

^{so, let it be.}
but,

^{not always}

^{you've to be true}

^{let’s believe in those lies}

^{let’s live them some more}

^{I’ve been doing it for quite some time}

^{you’ll get used to it too.}

and she said, 'tujhe JNU ho gaya hai yaar'
tonight I know, what she meant.


No more looking for a start.

wreck of the day

writing after a long time... I will take my pauses, I will not use punctuation marks correctly, I will try to summarize last seventy days  of my life in two paras.. how ironic would that be.


So I'm sitting on a rock in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out why am I here in the first place. Maybe I know the answer, maybe not. Maybe I just don't want answers anymore, maybe I'm finding this confusion, this chaos intoxicating.. getting addicted to it day by day. It just doesn't stop; everyday is throwing its  newness on me. For those who talk about routine and monotonous life should live mine for some days. Nah it's not exciting at all, it's just one ol' life.. but then what was the point I was trying to make... :/


One life full of adjectives. Take your pick, I'm sure any and every will find a place in there, in my oh so eventful life. I can not feel the days passing by, all I do know is seasons have come and gone .. and left this unforgettable imprint on my mind... Am I even sure that I won't forget? But it's hard not to, I guess therein lies the tragedy. 


Why am I finding it so difficult... because it wasn't the part of the plan? Funny thing 'bout that, I never did plan. I just took it for granted and see where it lead to. Well start planning Pri otherwise you will end up sitting on this rock for a long time... and it's cold & hard like your life right now.

Man, Jagjit Singh can really make you sad, like uber fricking sad, before you know it heaviness would settle in and you would be grappling with the void in your life. So moral of the rant: Don't listen to him while siting alone on a damn rock :|

She & Him

Last week of July 2008, I'm guessing that's when the whole saga began.. they hated each other's guts.. Life would've been perfect without this one nuisance in their lives, superficially it seemed so but it was in a way relief for them too.. atleast there was someone on whom they could vent their frustration without feeling guilty about it. It was one such humid morning when she entered the room and intentionally took the seat which he had mentally claimed to be his own. And well it happened, what always happens you know.. a good ol' argument, a treat for rest of the class who didn't like either of the two snobs.  

'Bitch' , he walked away from the desk sayin' it aloud in his head.. he dare not say it in front of this crazy lunatic.. weather was gloomy but not gloomier than the thought of tolerating her presence for the next 3 years...

Honestly, I did imagine you'd be cursing me, but seriously just a bitch? That was just too nice of you :P Coming back to present, I think it's hard to imagine my day without checking on you.. College was hard man, if it weren't for you telling me every now and then how good things will happen in life, well they didn't :|  and it seemed it would never then, but I found someone I could open my heart to .. who wuld hug me and make me cry even if I try not to!.. who would look into my eyes and without sayin' a word would tell me 'we're really screwed this time man'.. who stood by me when everyone else was too chicken out to be!.. who knew you had so much strength but you did! And I love you for every bullshit you took from me, for every crazy mood swing of mine .. How unlike everyone else you actually did know when I was on my period and cranky!
I don't know where we are going from here, for sure you won't be able to see my whiny face every morning but just for the record, I am gonna be a kickass Maid of Honor at your wedding, and very soon we'll be taking our trip to New York, during Christmas time singing this :

" You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last... " 
- The Pogues

My pseudo-Punjabi, pseudo-Bong sweetheart you'll always be a part of my life. See you soon!

tempora mutantur et nos mutamur in illis

She was silent. Looking at him, waiting for him to see, to understand, to pause and just think for a moment, it wasn’t her dream after all. They had that blood connection between them, how hard could it be. He wasn’t always there for her when she needed him the most. Living in his own world, by his own rules, principles and who knows what else. But he had successfully built this small domain over which he ruled. Sure he loved her in a weird way she didn’t understand but she was supposed to.. you know like you’re taught since you’re a child, sky is blue but in the city she was raised in, sky was seldom blue. Sky was washed up grey but everybody said it was blue, and he loved her too.

So, next week it is.

Lost in Translation

Mind functions in such mysterious ways, even mine who would’ve thought :/ ... so at the end of a conversation, I was left with these three words, repeated them just to remind myself of something incomplete. Though it didn’t took me much time before I plunged into the deep throes of the Deadmines and the thought almost escaped my mind.

The only thing that does stop me from gaming these days is the fear of having weak eyesight.. well it doesn’t really stops me but I’ve come to a realization that I might be addicted to it, in a bad sort of way.. which is funny because the things usually people get addicted to, I’m immune to them. So starting next month, I’d try to use my super will power to resist myself from buying another subscription.

When I switched off my pc, I thought I’d be sleeping early.. 3:30 AM is still early for me, at least its dark outside then. But at that moment, my mind delivered the unread message to my conscious state and I realized that its been years since I had this movie and I just didn’t watch  it.

After Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I think this is one of the most incredible romantic movie I’ve seen and thats sayin' something. You know why it’s great? Because it’s Real.
it portrays the way relationships are, the way an individual is.. with all the confusions and inanities of life.. that vaccum in which we live and the same empty space we try to fill in all the frickin’ time but fail to.. but two people connect because one is as hollow as the other,  and fragility of that connection is what makes it beautiful in the first place.

I hate Titanic, I just had to say it.. not because I don’t believe in love but  that illusion that it creates of love that I really abhor. What if Jack had survived, it wouldn’t have been great after all .. they would’ve split up any which way or compromised until they reach a point of indifference. But that’s why most of the people are obsessed with this movie – an overwhelming tale of a Romance that couldn’t be.

It’s just hard for us to accept that emptiness in our lives, so we fill it with words and try to color them with meanings that will help us to survive.

" The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

If you haven’t seen this movie and are too bored of your own life to read this whining journal, spare ninety minutes for this one.. it’ll be worth your time.

cyanide and happiness

FTW !

Playing WoW on laptop sucks, what sucks even more is waiting 10Gb to download on your desktop. I'm still discovering what is better- being a human warlock or an elven druid..

I've a feeling my eyesight has got far worse than it was before..  my first sign was when I banged my head on a glass door and no I wasn't drunk or high.. it might have been accidental the first time, but by the third I knew I couldn't see the glass or the door - and funny thing, all three times I was with the same friend, who laughed his ass off two times but on the third, he was shocked as :P


Home Alone for two weeks, I would've been ecstatic about it but boy what a time to catch the frickin Viral T_T I've got a half-glass, no it's neither empty nor full - it's just plain ol' half glass. I've to start preparing for Jamia entrance and DU entrance but I think I'd skip that as I've no inclination to study. I will read a lot but I'll not study >.<

I've also decided to watch a movie a day, well for atleast a week - that way I won't spend all day gaming :/

Yesterday I saw Volver(2006) - that's directed by Pedro Almodóvar.. The only other Spanish movie I've seen and enjoyed watching it was Pan's Labyrinth .. Anyways coming back to the movie, I think even though it's plot was weak, the major strength of the movie comes from the characters itself. Penelope Cruz  is the sole force of this movie and Blanca Potillo though I still doubt she's a woman, is an incredible actress.  .

At many times I felt it was an awkward screenplay as the incest angle did seem a bit forced. Pain was portrayed in a very subtle way - that is something I loved - be it in Cruz's song or her daughter's long breaths. But the characters seems at ease with each other and that made this movie an good watch (: I'll watch more movies by this director and know his style. maybe the awkward screenplay was intentionally meant to be that way.

Free Bird

Yes, I'm Lynyrd Skynyrd's song today but I'm not  really happy.  Final exam of Graduation and I get these two extremely chatty women as my invigilator and during the entire duration, they chose to stand next to me and gossip. If that wasn't enough, another one joined them to add her two cents to it.. while those two cents did continue for 40 minutes..aargh. I would have minded my business but you see I think before I write and thanks to these three ladies I wasn't able to. I lack the energy to vent out my frustration. But yes, it happens only with me, that I'm pretty much sure of.

Finally, saw Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides. Couldn't have asked for better company.. loved Jack Sparrow and finally the focus of the story was on Jack throughout and feisty latin accent of Cruz.. so Epic. There will definitely be a sequel to it so YaY! (:

After the movie, I was pretty much back to my depressed state but World of Warcraft sure did keep my mind off things.. before my laptop warmed up and I had to take a break.

So a month is gone, I've not done this much blogging all my life, well till now.. Will be activating Fb today or tommoz so not sure if I will continue to blog but I might as well.. confused as :/

the end is the beginning is the end

):

" na jaane kyun.. hota hai ye zindagi ke saath
achanak ye mann
kisi ke jaane ke baad, kare phir usiki yaad
chhoti choti si baat.. na jaane kyun."

 

This sucks.

Paper 7.. better than all the exams I've given this month, if only I would have completed the last question, it would have been cherry on the cake. Now I am hungry, it's been ages.. the last time .. blah, can't even remember that.

5 days - 2 more exams 

The only sad part is, everyone I was looking forward to spend time with is leaving.. this city sucks big time. 

Strangers - Friends - Best Friends - Strangers

I've a feeling I'm about to witness it all over again. 

I'm afraid I might be a participant in it.

Sixpence None The Richer

" :* -_-"

Two days before my next exam. It just doesn’t get out of my head.. not that it is supposed to :/  but you know it’s like being stalked by a thought. 

 For instance, I decide to watch an episode of Seinfeld, I am laughing, having a good time and there it strikes back again, that tinge of guilt making its presence felt.. nothing Kramer can do will make me return to my earlier self.  Wicked exams, seriously.

While reading Mrs. Dalloway a thought came to my mind, there was this one sentence common in our Farewell speech, if you remember

“ I know I’ve not been a good student...”

(as if they didn’t know that already :/)

But it felt nice, you know, like an admission to our guilt... I know, we were doing it more for ourselves then them. In that confession, we were seeking our own catharsis..  for lack of a better word..  oh it did happen alright.. the tears, I remember it all.. and why I remembered it, I still don’t know. 

What I do know is I abhor Mario, either of the two reasons is plausible

1. it is a stupid game 
2. it makes me feel stupid

It’s like everyone can make that little freak jump over stupid colliding bricks except me, and those flying fucking tortoises, what’s the deal with that?

I stopped playing WoW a month before these exams so that I could concentrate on something more important and look at the sorry state of me, playing Mario two days before my exam, ah for shame!

I’m going to regret it very soon, like within a week soon, but I’m not gonna stop it because that freak someday will take me to his taller- than-him freak princess. Either that will happen or June 1^st will come and I’ll buy me a month subscription for WoW and become an Elf Druid again duelling with warlords.

Oh I know right, the band’s name is so epic! (: 

sigur rós

and some rain = ♥ (:

I miss Facebook during days like these.. I'm pretty sure there would have been atleast 20 status updates welcoming the rain at this time of the year.. Because I can't do that anymore, I would add my two cents on it here.

It's hard not to love rain you know, unless you're living in Mumbai :/ The obvious reasons include the murky smell that makes rain so delicious and watching raindrops slide through your windowpane, each competing with the other, some stopping midway, some not even trying. But the best part is those random memories that comes to your mind.

It's like being the part of both - the timeless and the temporal - and before you know it, Papa Roach's Last Resort will make it all go.. just like that. In last few years, I've changed quite a number of ringtones but I end up with this one, almost all the time. I think the few days I did attend college was because of it.

It's still raining.. I know it's not gonna last forever but boy do I cherish it! (:

Glósóli 

 

Soy Un Perdedor

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

This is the only song by Beck that I like.. dude is definitely an epic loser. 

A week gone, with it my chances of getting into JNU are also gone. Its a funny thing though..when I used to sit for my PMT entrance exam even though I used to fuck it up real bad, I always had this hope inside me that maybe by sheer luck/chance something will happen and save my ass. Even when I gave the AIIMS entrance with no prep at all, I told myself to wait for the result.. 

But the moment I finished my first JNU entrance paper and came outside the godforsaken examination centre I had a smile on my face. I don't even have to bother myself to check the result. It was so obvious, inside my head. 

So I screwed the paper which was supposedly my subject.. but that wasn't the end of the story.. with bubbling enthusiasm I had filled another option because everyone else was doing it, without having any idea about the course details, and a day later I had to pay the price. I'm so glad I didn't apply for three :|

For my second entrance, even before I entered the  hall, I had made up my mind to leave it within an hour and half.. but in my life, expected never happens, that's something I'm getting sure of with each passing day. I'm sure I am not gonna make the list with this paper too .. kinda spent half my time arguing about the awesomeness of 127 Hours while at the same time highlighting the suckiness of the Slumdog Millionaire, the most over-rated movie of all time after Titanic.

Even though these two exams sucked big time, they totally diverted my mind from my first disaster exam.. A week more and some days more and then the wait will be over (: Top 4 on my list?

the last one is World of Warcraft.. few days later I'm gonna be kicking some Orc ass..

P.S. I'm the Epic Loser and so proud of it :P

 

the good ol' days

few weeks left before those who matter will be going back home.. it's adding to my blues I guess :/ .. I won't be looking forward to the second week of July anymore.. we'll meet to go to our separate ways.. and when we will meet again, it won't be the same.. that heavy feeling you get, when you think about those moment when life was literally awefuckinsome .. yeah, that's what I'm feeling now..

there are so many memories flooding my tiny lil head right now.. singing Sunrise on our way to college in our fucked up voice.. but it still made the morning beautiful.. now that I think of it, I'd rather give you a call  right now.

Summer Blues

it's so much easier to fight the world when you know that the people whom you care about are with you on the holy mission.. more then disappointed, I'm grieved to see the turn of events.. it takes a lot you know, effort and time and sometimes more then that, to build it.. and it literally took 2 minutes to break it all down.. if it wasn't enough , the instructions were repeated for my benefit.
tired is the word.. and what a time..

" And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world "

Written by Roland Orzabal

Mad World, indeed.


some weed pleej, kthxbai.

what doesn't kill you

... makes you bitter :/  

 

8:00 am - Dad dropped me at college..met Sid.. discussed our JNU centre and how lucky I'm comparatively.. saw a tree in full bloom and heard a nightingale sing.. searched for her, couldn't find so got back with last minute prep..

8:45 am - Got to know will be giving the exam at the damn library (it's a universal truth we've got an ass for a principal) - first disappointment of the day

9:00 am - Exam doesn't start, professors are too busy to invigilate, I guess...

9:15 am - After a long wait, got my answer sheet, had a query regarding the paper code.. so I ask the unknown moron who handed out the sheets if he had any clue.. but his blank expression gave his little secret away.. He was as dumb as he looked and I really, really mean to be offensive. I asked him if he could confirm it with another professor and somehow it hurt his male-ego?

For half an hour this fucking moron keeps repeating the same thing - I'M THE PROFESSOR, while my answer sheet is in his hands..

9:45 am -

Him: I'm the professor, do as I say.

Me: Psycho, Bastard.

It's quite unusual for me to say those two words together.. I swear a lot but Bastard was never a part of my dictionary.. I did surprise myself but it was definitely too less of an abuse for too much of a moron.

10:00 am -

Downstairs back to main library I start with my paper while two lady professors gossip next to me.. The person who doesn't finishes a paper in 3 hours time, does it today in 1 hour 55 minutes, after which I contemplate on the absurdity of human behaviour, luck and life.

I feel sorry for the examiner who will bear the burden to check the crap I've written. Honestly, with the bottom of my heart, I really feel that.

I am writing this post to remind myself that today I felt the regret, enormous regret for the decision I made.. not to migrate from this hell of a college when I had the chance to.. Never listen to your heart, be selfish - lesson for life.. learnt today.

13/05/2011

5:17 am - Walking on the deserted road with wind for my companion, I felt at ease again.. this world is full of morons someday or another, you'll bump into one and they'll create hell for you.. but it won't last long and if you do survive, you'll be there to see the new day, blowin' in the wind as Bob says..

3 weeks - 5 exams :/

See You Tomorrow

few hours from now I'll be sitting for the first exam.. meeting familiar faces.. some nervous, some too engrossed in the last minute prep and some would be wishing that two poets which they have complacently left out shouldn't come in the exam... or if they do, the alternate choice is something they've a clue about.. all these some's equals me, ofcourse.

aim for today: finish your damn paper. I've never understood why my first question takes 45 mins to answer but in the last 45 mins I race against time to answer 3 questions :/

I'd take Harold Bloom for my muse today.. Kansas is stuck in my head right now and for all right reasons.

for you and me

I will survive.

Return to Innocence

" To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour. "
William Blake

it is beyond sublime.. to have a vision like this.

When put to music, it sounds like Enigma...

" Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence "

when the dream dies

... how does it feel before you know you can't anymore.. either dream or feel again.. well the smarter ones go ahead in search of a new dream that will fill up the void, which makes its presence feel every moment of their lives.. the sentimentalists, not the kind Pamuk defines ofcourse but the ones in the pure sense of the word, they write a dejection ode.. read Coleridge, obviously.

" I see them all so excellently fair
I see not feel, how beautiful they are "

now I've started to get that weird feeling when every alternate moment the same thought strikes your chaotic head -- I haven't studied anything :|
3 weeks - 6 exams = FML. srsly.

well I'm pretty sure Coleridge would've joined Nelly in this song had he been alive

I want to
Pull away when the dream dies
Pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why
Written by Nelly Furtado

as for me, I'm hoping all good things come to an end real soon.

Quatro

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods
There is a rapture on the lonely shore
There is society,where none intrudes
By the deep Sea and music in its roar
I love not Man the less, but Nature more...
- the only Byron

Read Childe Harold's Pilgrimage
read it again
made me

happy

reminded me of
hard sun
into
the wild

four days
to go

before

it all changes...

the reveries of summer

sometimes music actually defines the moment for you.. this one says it all.. yesterday, you, me, us, together and it was enough.. today is as uncertain as tomorrow and I honestly, don't care. I had yesterday (: a beautiful, pristine day when we were together.

Prima Donnas

saw Groundhog Day a while back, I know what a time right? But, it was so worth it.. I wasn't studying anyway :/


let's pause and think for a moment.. how would it be to live the same day for eternity.. on the positive side, you can get away with anything.. you're the demigod .. but wait, something's missing.. oh yeah, the ending.. the constant need for the close.. to just end somewhere, at some point but.. still running away from that reality.


I'm not, I am actually looking forward to it.. I just hope it's not abrupt like in the middle of something.. now that I've said it, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be cut off mid-way.


There's always that one line that makes you like the movie even more because it gets to your head and it starts out an interior monologue session with your mind... for me that was when Phil says ...

I killed myself so many times I don't even exist anymore.

Will start *seriously* :| studying from 2 am sharp... and I almost forgot, Chasing Cars is so much fun with Snow Patrol (:

" If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you just lie with me
And just forget the world? "
Written by Gary Lightbody

Remind me to add this to my bucket list: Lie on the road at night (make sure there's no traffic :|)

where the words lie

crimson yellow behind the veil
piercing gaze through the clouds
tiny whispers subdued

by the anguished shrieks

and the time is 3 am
it's quiet now.


they sensed her presence
the cunning intruder
come upon to take
what belonged to them

spread some lies

before the return to oblivion
of whose?
and who will?


unanswered, it will remain,
together they will strike again,

but, not today.

this moment is passing by
and lo! it's gone...

Wise Up

by Aimee Mann... it came to my mind while I was reading this

"Passions when gratified merely becomes appetites once the object of desire is gained... "
Mary Wollstonecraft

I couldn't agree more with this lady's thoughts. Yes, I can go ahead and talk about what a revolutionary feminist she was but I would rather save it for my exams...

Magnolia - the flower, the movie... both are amazing but for the first time when I heard the song I so wish I had heard it before so I could lip sync with the characters.. it's a song of realization before you break down.. before you take that step .. before you pause. and after it stops playing, what's left? the shattered pride, the broken walls, untainted lies and the love, metamorphosed.

" It's not what you thought
When you first began it
You got what you want
Now you can hardly stand it though
By now you know
it's not going to stop
'til you wise up "
Written by Aimee Mann

a week before exam ... time for me to wise up :/

a song a day

...starting today, I'll post my song of the day here, hence the title.

oh and I did start reading but there's still to a large degree incoherence between the words I read , with what my mind assumes. I understand subjectivity is natural when it comes to Art but I don't think it will be of much accord when I'll be sitting for the exams.

Daniel Defoe is definitely not my cup of tea, not gonna read Robinson Crusoe in this lifetime at least.

Coming back to the song, Songbird by Oasis

" A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whisper in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night "

written by: Liam Gallagher

... reminded me of John Keats & Ode to a Nightingale.

Mea Culpa

it sums up my preparation for the exams ... 10 days to go and here I am again ranting about it. I have this magical power to find a diversion right before the exam starts.. today's not yesterday so I'm gonna make a change, hopefully..

John Masefield...read his poetry for the first time, today and then there was the feeling that it wasn't the first time..

" It's a warm wind, the west wind, full of bird's cries
I never hear the west wind, but the tears are in my eyes.
For it comes from the west land, the old brown hills
And April's in the West Wind , and daffodils. "

To think of it, a month later from now, I would be Lynyrd Skynyrd's song. (: If only skipping was easy :/

here we go again

not blogging, 'tis rant...

for thine is the kingdom! (ah Eliot was a snitcher too, so shh)

see, there's a difference between the two... what has remained constant is, change.. even if you want to, scarcely would you be able to pass judgment on it.. it is something beyond you, so why bother and be a part of trivialities of time, instead take one step a time.. thinktakeabreaththinkandmove pause thinkandleapforward ... and maybe then you're somewhere near it.


that is a valuable lesson, which will be realized only when you've crossed that threshold. ah the human mind with all it's incongruities and stupidity..

I quit Fb for this, oh well :/